bailey:
Hi, Dad, how are you?
Toby:
Hey, B. I'm good. How are you?
bailey:
I'm good. Long time no see on a podcast.
Toby:
I know it feels like it's been forever.
bailey:
It does. I'm excited to be back with our Hey Dad people and with you, even though I saw you last week, but this is our special space right here.
Toby:
It is. I'm excited to be in my new studio that we finished, I don't know, a couple of, about a month or so ago and getting used to it and getting it all put together. And it's a good space for this kind of thing and lots of stuff we're, we're up to right now.
bailey:
Yes, fill me in real quick on your summer, how it's been, what you've been doing.
Toby:
Well, as you well know, I have been traveling all over the country because you're the one who's booked me for all these trips. So we've been traveling and until a couple of weeks ago, we took two weeks or 13 days and we're went to Mississippi because you know, everyone who lives in Texas where it's 150 needs a second home in Mississippi where it's 110 with. 80% humidity. So, but we, we kind of like some people who live there. So we've been with you guys up there in Mississippi for a couple of weeks. And now we're back. They're about to crank it up again.
bailey:
Yeah, it's been a great summer. I feel like this was the first summer that I wasn't dreading it as much probably because maybe we can experience more stuff with the kids. It doesn't feel as much of a beat down, although I was ready for school to start back when it did. But we got to... do some trips and have some fun as a family. Grant being a football coach gets some time off in the summer so we get to have some good family time. So I enjoyed that, but definitely glad to be back into the swing of things. So that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about today was getting back into school and what transitions look like and how they can play a part on our mental health and just. our sanity. You know,
Toby:
Thank
bailey:
I
Toby:
you.
bailey:
was just talking with a friend, my friend Beth Dan on the phone, and we were talking about how you forget how long it takes to go like when you are transitioning to a new season, how long it takes to get back into the swing. And I was just like, I've been having to tell myself to give myself more grace because I just want to like, and my kids honestly, you know, I just want to get back into the school year and then bam, think it's all going to be. back to how it was and then it's not and I feel defeated. And I feel like you got to witness that a little bit when you were here. Tell me about that, because I mean, you haven't done, I mean, a school year transition in a while. And so do you feel like being here with my family, you were here when the kids would get back home from school and trying to get back into extracurricular activities and stuff kind of what you. witnessed and if it brought back any memories or anything.
Toby:
Oh yeah, it brought back lots of memories and lots of gratitude that I'm not in that season right now. But yeah, just seeing kids trying to get into a rhythm and being, I don't know, a little more on the emotional roller coaster than they would normally be. And it really took me back to when you guys went back to school. And some of the things we learned, really the hard way about transition, any transition in life. I don't care if it's from school to home in the summer, back to school, from elementary to middle school, whatever the transition is, I think we have to realize that we are extremely susceptible. That is a season we're really vulnerable when it comes to our mental wellness for all of us. And just like what Grant is doing right now is Grant prepares for a season. It's really going back to school is the transition into a game day. And I always like to think about it with a sports analogy, one, because I like sports, too, because I watch so much of that, you know, with Grant and with his team there at Jones County. And the thing is, you don't just walk in one day and play your first game. You know, your first game is coming. The big day is coming. The opening of school is coming and you have to train and get ready for it. And I think a lot of times we struggle when we move into these transition moments, because when we don't recognize them, we're not prepared for them. And then we're kind of shocked that we feel like we're losing the game when we'd never had any practice, you know? And I think, you know, there's, you know, grace for moms and dads, man, there's so much to get ready for, right? I mean, there's. We have to get the supplies. We have to get the clothes. We have to have the shoes, all of those things. But we also have to have our kids mentally ready for it as well. I think we have to start conversations kind of casually weeks before they go back. Just little things about, hey, man, this might be a little different this year. I know that when I started a new school year for me here, here's what was tough. What do you think's going to be tough for you? And then go on to something else and just kind of. Lay it out there because you're starting to plant seeds. And there's so many different ways. I think we have to prepare our kids for those moments of transition.
bailey:
Well, what about, you know, the mom or the dad that's in the middle of that already? You know, they've been back to school for a few weeks and they're feeling like they're drowning a little bit and trying to, you know, I know I'm constantly. Thinking like after yesterday, the kids came home and I feel like after school, they're all just wired and emotional and arguing, and I'm like constantly reevaluating what we're doing and trying to. I think what could I be doing differently to make this easier, to make this not so chaotic? So I'm in the middle of it. And I think when this episode drops, some people will be a few weeks into some won't. But what if
Toby:
So what you're telling me is that it's really helpful, Dad, if it was a few months ago, right?
bailey:
Yes, exactly. Like you could
Toby:
So,
bailey:
have said no. So
Toby:
well,
bailey:
tell me like
Toby:
I mean...
bailey:
now when you're in it and you're like dang it I didn't prepare my kids or myself as much as I should have.
Toby:
Yeah, so the greatest time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, and the second greatest time is today, right? And so this is where you are. And pain is supposed to teach us lessons so that we will respond differently the next time. And so make yourself a little mental note if you go, man, I didn't prepare well. Just make yourself a little note about... what you might do next year. But you have to do some of the same things now that you would have done before. It's just, you're gonna have to go through the pain of it as you're doing it. And that is beginning with the end in mind, right? It's like, it's, okay, I can't take a short term approach to a long term issue. In other words, I know sometimes Bailey, you feel defeated when your kids, they come home and they're. What were we going to use emotional, dramatic, whatever it is in that moment, but you have to look behind the scenes and say, okay, so instead of dealing with this moment, what's an activity in this moment, you have to think about like, why are my kids responding this way? And what long-term am I trying to teach or shape in them in these seasons? You know, you've heard me say this before, but everybody's talking about resilience. and about that our kids of this generation don't have resilience. And lots of times we forget that to get resilience, it's only built through resistance. And so this is an opportunity, this resistance for you to begin to build resilience. And it goes back to my sports analogy. What do you need more than anything? Number one, you need rest. You know, you have to have rest. And a lot of times the outburst from our kids, are because they're not getting enough rest. And so if we transition into a different season, we have to operate in the off times in a different way. And so the question instead of what am I doing wrong, it should be how can I help my kids get some rest? What are some creative ways that I can help my kids get a little more rest? Is that me? I'm slowly gonna have to inch their bedtime back a little bit in creative ways. Does that mean I've got to find ways when they get home from school where they're taking a rest and they don't know it? I know, you know, second grade boys don't like to rest. And you asking your middle one, Micah, the other day, I think it was hilarious that your mom told me he was like, it's wasting my time. And part of that is, I mean teaching them that the value of rest, which is a hard process, but rest is a part of it. I think there are Identity is getting challenged as they go back to school. This is for boys and girls at different levels at different times. This is where we kind of elbow for position on the mountain and who's gonna be king of the mountain. And everyone can't be the king. And so everyone can't win every contest that happens, whether it's academic or athletic. So how do we teach our kids about their identity regularly? consistently building into them, correcting back to that. So when Gideon says, I didn't get picked first or someone else won, what he's basically saying to you is, I don't feel like a winner. And the way to correct back to that is not, hey, Gideon, don't feel that way. It's Gideon, let's remember who God says that we are. And so building patterns of rest, building patterns of identity, and making sure that in some small way, your kids are getting fed with something that is building up their spirit and something that is drawing them closer to the one that created them. I think that's all three of those things are things that you need to be doing. And we can talk about practically how do you do that, but we got to understand these principles as we begin.
bailey:
Mm-hmm. No, that's good. I think... Like you said, you know, what you mentioned, I last week, the kids needed, we have, we go to house church on a Wednesday night. We had some other things late and we buy like Thursday, Friday, they were, you just knew they were so tired and you know, just acting out of the norm, which, and so I made them come home and rest from school, like have a rest time in their rooms by themselves. And you would have thought I asked them to cut their arm off. And, uh, my mom walks in and I'm just sitting in the corner by myself. And she's like, what are you doing? And then Micah is in the other room screaming because he doesn't want to be resting. And yeah, he kept telling me, why are we even resting? This is such a waste of my time. Blah, blah, blah. You know, and I'm just like, uh, it's like, it's, it's hard because that was needed, but it like was, it wasn't an easy thing to. to get my kids to do and so you're like, is this worth it? And it is, it is, but in the moment, sometimes it's hard to pick the thing that's worth it because it's not an easy thing to create in your kids. You know, that rhythm of rest is, sometimes it would be easier. I don't know, I don't know what's easier, but I just know sometimes the things I'm choosing to do that I know is right for them is not the easiest thing for me.
Toby:
Well,
bailey:
So.
Toby:
I know this is probably going to shock you, but you didn't think every idea your mom and I had for you was a great idea either. And I just, I'm trying to think of the best way to say this, like Bailey, you have to change your target. Your target is not that they would. stand up and applaud you and say, you're the greatest mom ever. I love you. That's not the goal is not their response. The goal is your consistency, even when they don't understand it, making sure that those things happen. And I say that because I love you and watch you. But I think this is a huge issue among young parents that we're really you guys are becoming consumed with how your kids respond to it when that's not the goal. You didn't like most things that we asked you to do. And you thought lots of things were dumb. But the goal wasn't to get you to like it. The goal was for us to consistently make sure it happened because you know more than your kids. And I know more than my kids. And I'm not talking about we're gonna do it because I said so, but it's like, I think a lot of parents get defeated because they have this. false perception that if they're doing the right things, their children are gonna respond in a certain way. And guess what? That's not what five-year-olds do. That's not what seven or eight-year-olds do. And so you've gotta change your target to what do I need to consistently deliver, not do my kids like it or not? That's not a reflection on you that your children don't like it or they think it's ridiculous. That's no reflection on you. It's called, you're an adult and they're not. And so you have to kind of guard yourself against this, man, I feel defeated because is it even worth it because they make it so hard? And go, man, we're gonna continue to do this. And then decide what price you're gonna pay. Like you talked about going to your house church. And I know that's a value in your church. I know it's a value in your home. But is it worth the price you pay with your kids? Would that be something that you would want to get a babysitter for so that your kids could get some more rest than they're getting? I'm not answering that question for you. I'm saying you have to ask that question. Everything has a benefit and a reward. And there's a call, and it's like, I have wisdom. A part of wisdom is I'm willing to pay that price, whatever that price is, whether it's, you know. hiring childcare for something and that's coming out of our budget or whether it's, no, we're going to do, you know, I remember last year and you were concerned about getting in these Thursday night football games. I said, you have four. I think it's a price you ought to pay so a son can be there with his dad after the game on the field. But you have to decide that and understand there's a trade off with all of these costs.
bailey:
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I'm preparing beforehand and afterwards and Yeah, so it I think when you're in the middle of it It's hot. I mean like I know if I'm feeling like I'm drowning I'm just doing anything I can to keep my head above water so, you know seeing it the way you see it is harder for me or anybody that's in it because we can only see the moment that we're in. So like thinking proactively instead of reactively takes a lot of intention and like practice. Because when you know you can barely even, you're just trying to get all the kids to all the things and remember their homework and remember, you know what I mean? And then you sit down and you're like, oh, I didn't, I don't know. So I think that that's something that you. you know, when you have the downtime to plan how you can be proactive versus when you're in the middle of the week, feeling like you're not, are you even going to make it? So.
Toby:
Yeah, because that's where it gets you, right? That's
bailey:
Mm-hmm.
Toby:
where being overwhelmed over an extended period of time gets you. The enemy to being overwhelmed is doing nothing. Just nothing. I'm just going to try to get through it. That's the enemy of being overwhelmed. And the antidote to being overwhelmed is doing something. It's not doing anything. It's just doing something. It's small steps in that direction. It's one little thing, not everything. And I think a lot of times for me anyway, when I get overwhelmed, I have this tendency to just drop everything. And that's the enemy of being overwhelmed is I'm not doing anything. When I decide to do something now, I start, I start taking back control of my, of my life. Uh, and the greatest gift you can give those three is a healthy you. And when you're on the edge of tears, because of fatigue or frustration, you've got to step back. and you've got to make sure and take care of yourself. And you've got to look in the mirror with that 40 I am. And you've got to ask God, you know, my biggest prayer is that prayer that God said, God, I believe, help my unbelief. And it's like, man, I believe this to be true. Help me make up the difference where I'm struggling in this area. You got to be intentional in that area too.
bailey:
Yeah, yeah. So tell me some practical ways, you know, you talked about remembering, you know, reminding our kids of their identity and who God says they are. And then, you know, also doing that for ourselves. What are some practical ways we could implement that as busy parents who, you know, you have seen me try to sit down with the kids all together and do some sort of lesson or whatever. Even trying to have intentional conversations at the dinnertime is hard. I still do it, but you know, you never know what they're listening to. So anyways, what are some like practical things that we could do?
Toby:
Well, yeah, I think group projects with young kids are kind of a recipe for disaster, you know, but I'll use you as an example since what we just left being there and watching your schedule a little bit. You do go lay down with Micah every night before he goes to bed for a few minutes. So take two of those minutes and talk to him about a character in the Bible that you've been reading about that you think is awesome and that relates to him. and do that one night with him and do that one night with Gideon and do it one night with Esther. And just take of those five to... you're a great mom, B. You want to personally interact with your kids. Just be intentional about at least one of those conversations a week being about some truth in scripture. I think for young kids, they love stories. So I was reading this really cool story. and it reminded me of you. And you just, again, that's the nutrition side of it, right? That's the refreshment side of it. And it's not a huge Bible study around the table where all hell breaks loose and, you know, everybody wants to kill each other by the time it's over. That's not what it is. That's unrealistic, but those little moments can happen. And it's in the small things, I think that God does really big things.
bailey:
That's good. Do you remember ways that you did that with us as we were older, you know, like middle school high school when Or even like older grade school when we didn't really want to spend time with you I don't you know, I know I always did but when Ross didn't want to hang out with your mom
Toby:
Well, I had to come to the place, you're the one who taught me as a parent that the goals had to change. You were so much like I was. It was like I was looking in a mirror and everybody thinks it's going to be different with them. Everybody goes, well, that was my parents. But when I'm a mom and dad, you know, that was the nature, you know, part of that sin nature I think we're all born with. And so For me, I looked for these casual ways as junior high, high school kids to not make a walk with God like a weird experience or we have to sit down and do a Bible study, but try to connect it to things going on in your life. And, you know, one of the things that we say go be all the time, as you know, is, man, I want to validate before I prescribe. So with you guys, trying to identify with the struggle and saying, I know what that's like, but this is what that leads to. And here's the truth that I've got to live by and you've got to live by, because it's a better way of living in a casual way in a conversation was the best way I knew to connect with you at a spiritual level. You know, we had two goals for you two, only two, because you can have a million, right? Two, and they were that you wouldn't. that you wouldn't hate the church, the local church, and that you would love Jesus when you left our home. And so I tried because I'd seen so many pastors kids who struggled. I just tried to make all of my decisions through those lenses. Sometimes it was challenging because it didn't fit the norm, but those were the values your mom and I had predetermined and so we stuck with them. And that's one of the things I think we're the proudest of. that God's done is that we have kids who love Jesus and are involved in their local church, warts and all, mistakes and all, they wanna be a part of advancing the kingdom in their little corner of the world. And it just happened in casual conversations that we had together. One of the greatest things I miss, the greatest thing I miss about you living in my house as a kid was me getting the privilege of when you were dead asleep. walking around your room praying for you, knowing some of the stuff that was going on, mom telling me some of the girl drama or times you had gotten injured in sports and just being able to come into your room with you never knowing and just storming heaven for you. Those were some of the most, the sweetest moments in the world because it was about what I was doing, not how you were responding.
bailey:
That's sweet. Thanks, Dad. I mean, I think that you have created, our team has created a really cool tool that I would love for you to share with, you know, with our listeners about something that they can download and get a little bit of guidance from you because we've talked a lot about the 49 AMs on our, on all of our podcast episodes because that's one of the greatest tools that's impacted your life and your struggle with your mental wellness and that has helped so many people as we go around and you're speaking. And so a lot of times though, we get asked the questions like the 40 amps are great, but how do I use them? How do I talk to my kids about them? I mean, even I will be in the middle of like, wait, how do I explain this? You know, what do I say? And so I feel like you kind of created a solution for that. Would you share it with us?
Toby:
Yeah, you know, when I heard so many talking about how the 40 I am's that they love them, they weren't sure how to use them with your kids. And so we created a tool, which was, I mean, I still have on my phone today. It's a digital version that can go on my phone to remind me every day because my mental health and my mental wellness, that's the best gift I can give my wife, our team, my family. But I also made 40 little videos, just little 40 to 50 second at the longest videos. Where I, it's like I'm talking to one of your kids. And I just say, hey, repeat after me. And I take, in that little 40 seconds, I take one of the 40 IMs and let people model for folks how they can teach their kids. So there's two ways that people are using them. One is they're sitting down and playing these with their kids. They have young kids. For some reason, these young kids are smitten with, he's Toby the Goby, that's who he is. And so, hey, Toby the Goby wants to share this. Or some are just watching it, gives them an idea how to do it with their kids and they're doing it. And so we're giving out the digital version of the 40 IMs and three samples, the first three 40 IMs, these videos for free. And all you have to do is just look in the show notes. There's. a link that you can click on and we'll send you those for free. Just send us your email. We'll send them all back to you. I will tell you that if you want the rest of them, one of the things that we have been working really hard on is because I want to help you on this journey. I not just Bailey in a podcast or on a phone call, but help as many of you as I can is we've launched a new effort that's called team Goby. which is a monthly subscription service where every month I'm going to give you some encouragement. I want to give you a tool that you can use with a video on how to use it. We're going to have a monthly webinar where you can ask questions. We've already are putting classes in our library, longer form classes, courses that you can take. And it's my way to coach as many as I can, even those that I'm not physically meeting with, to coach and help you. as you connect God's power and what's happening in your kid's life. And I'm really, really excited about Team Goby. I think it's gonna be a great, we already are having lots of people join us, love to have you join us, but I'll give you this for free, no strings attached. I'll give you the 40 AMs for free, but I want you to know, I think this is one of the best investments you can make, is to take these little, it's all designed around five minutes a day, five days a week. It's not another thing for you to do in an already busy schedule. It's a way to carve out five minutes a day and make a huge difference in people's lives.
bailey:
Yep, I'm excited. I think it's really gonna help parents out there who are trying to be intentional, but just need a little more guidance on how to do it. And like you said, realistic things we can do with our kids. So I'm very excited about it. And I'm excited to be back talking with you and continuing our bi-weekly podcast combo. So thanks for being with me today and all your wise wisdom that you shared.
Toby:
A lot of fun, not sure it was wise wisdom, but you know, it's always good to have these conversations hopefully. It you know, just moves the ball a little bit forward. We all want you know, 40 yard touchdown passes down the right side of the field and most of the time you win because you just move the ball three yards forward. And don't ever hear baby or any of you girls that are listening, mamas. Don't hear my passion for this in any way. overshadow the real compassion I have. I understand what a difficult season this is. I think raising young kids especially is one of the most difficult seasons out there. But listen, every season prepares you for the next because that middle school and high school is going to be a whole different set of challenges. But what you learn in this season and as you struggle your way through this season and get better at what God has called you to do, it is gonna prepare you for those other seasons. And let me just end with reminding you, Billy Diane Garner of this. You have everything you need to be everything God has called you to be. He knew that in this moment in time, that you were gonna be parenting those three kids and he picked you.
bailey:
Thank
Toby:
He believes
bailey:
you.
Toby:
in you and so do I, baby.
bailey:
Thank you, appreciate you. I love you very much. I hope
Toby:
Love
bailey:
you have
Toby:
you
bailey:
a good
Toby:
too.
bailey:
rest of your day. We'll talk soon.
Toby:
All right, see you later.
bailey:
Okay, love you!
Toby:
Love you.