Bailey Garner (00:01.831)
Hello, Dad?
Toby (00:04.13)
Hello, Bailey Dara, how are you?
Bailey Garner (00:06.971)
Doing pretty good, how about you?
Toby (00:09.undefined)
I'm pretty good, I think.
Bailey Garner (00:10.991)
You think?
Toby (00:12.6)
Yeah.
Bailey Garner (00:14.787)
I got my game day shirt on. Today is a game day for Grant's football team. Yes, I'm excited. And I have to call myself out because for some reason in the last two episodes I decided to wear the same shirt. So I had to make sure I changed to a different one.
Toby (00:21.994)
Yes, it is first home game. I can't wait to watch.
Toby (00:35.754)
Yes, it'd probably be good if you, you know, didn't wear the same shirt every time, B.
Bailey Garner (00:41.655)
Also, I am just going to expose myself on this whole episode. I, not that kind of exposed. Okay. I don't usually listen back to our podcast except for when I'm editing it. Do you listen to it?
Toby (00:46.998)
Hey, hey, easy, this is video.
Toby (00:51.63)
Okay.
Toby (01:02.747)
Uh, that would be a negative. Listening to myself is like, I would rather you hit me in the face with a hammer.
Bailey Garner (01:09.819)
Well, I listened to a little bit of it and I had the, the loudest breathing ever that I didn't know. So I'm gonna be sure to keep my microphone a little bit farther away from my mouth. So I apologize to the people that had to listen to my loud breathing. I think it was the episode I was crying. So, you know, I was a little stopped up, but still that was embarrassing. So just, I'm just acknowledging. Ha ha ha.
Toby (01:34.361)
No problem.
Bailey Garner (01:41.003)
Oh man, just everyone knows this is real, so.
Toby (01:45.706)
Welcome to my world, everybody. Welcome to my world.
Bailey Garner (01:49.441)
Yikes anyway Well any news you're traveling a lot here soon Any other news you want to share with us before I get into my question for you?
Toby (02:02.642)
No, you're right. We are traveling a lot, you know.
16 I guess so months ago when we really went all in as a
Micah and I did, my wife and I on Gobi. Our dream was much more than a book or events. It was really to build a community. And we have finally arrived after all of this time with the opportunity that we have to do what has been in our heart to do, which is to build a community, not just through speaking in places or people getting books, but.
in a monthly way that we're going to be able to build a team of people that can get content every month, can get in on questions every month, and we're calling it Team Gobi. If you haven't been to our website in a while, go to beagobi.com and check it out because I am really, really excited about what I think is going to happen over the next few months and weeks and years. It'll be great.
Bailey Garner (03:07.663)
Yes, I'm excited. Esther, go play. Esther's homesick today, so, might have a few interruptions, but that's okay. Most people can relate, I'm sure. So.
Toby (03:09.322)
So is Esther, huh Esther?
Bailey Garner (03:24.375)
I'm excited about Team Gobi as well and about your traveling and I'm excited for more people to really be exposed to all the awesome things that Gobi Ministries has to offer. So
Um, yeah, well, I'm sure we'll be talking more about it in the episodes to come and new things that are being released. But my favorite part of Team Gobi right now is the 40 IMs course where you walk people through each 40 IM and you, you help parents really explain to their kids like what each 40 IM is because even I, um, sometimes don't know how to really relate it to my, to my children in a way that.
sense to them and I feel like you really help with that so I think that's a really awesome resource for parents that's within our Team Gobi membership so yes
Toby (04:18.046)
Yeah, thanks. You know, I just wanted it to make it as easy for busy moms and dads as possible, where they could just watch a little 45-second video together and talk about it for a second. And it felt like it was one-stop shopping and really, really easy. I didn't want any parents to feel like, some will want to. They'll want to put their own twist on it, which I think is awesome. But some are like, man, I just need something for a couple of minutes a day. And so.
That was a really fun project.
Bailey Garner (04:50.347)
Yeah. Well, speaking of busy moms, we, you know, we talked a lot about getting back into the swing of school. I feel like we're all really in the full swing of it. I know my family is knee deep in sports schedules and you know, extracurriculars, all the things. And so it's a fun but busy season. And so we've been
Micah has started baseball and Gideon has started flag football and something that I feel like always rares its ugly head whenever the sports season starts is a few things. And one, I want to kind of talk about both. We've mentioned these on other past episodes but I feel like it's always good to revisit and you to kind of shed some wisdom on it. And the first one is...
whenever watching your kids fail and really watching them struggle and how to know how to not, I don't know, how to not save them essentially, like how to teach them resilience through the struggles that they have.
when our instinct is to take care of them. And especially as they're getting older, you know, like they have been younger, my kids are starting to get a little bit older, older meaning, you know, eight years old, but you know, they're gaining more independence and I really struggle with like, how to watch them, how to watch them struggle. And so.
I know we talked a little bit about this the other day too. Gideon got a cast, he hurt his arm and flag. And so he's dealing with a lot of different challenges he's not used to. So, you know, between that and Micah starting a new sport, it's been a lot of me like really having a self talk and call and ask you and ask Grant, like how do I handle this? Because I don't like seeing them, you know, be in pain or be disappointed in themselves, you know.
Toby (06:53.427)
Yeah, what does Grant say?
Bailey Garner (06:56.047)
He says they have to learn. He says a lot more like, you know, this is how it is and they'll be fine. It'll teach, you know, this is gonna teach them something good in life. So he tries his best to empathize with me, but he doesn't struggle with that as much as I do, I guess.
Toby (07:17.662)
Yeah, I think it's harder for moms at some level. I mean, there are those dads that you see on TikTok and Instagram that are, you know, screaming at umpires and getting a little over the top. And you can tell they're a little too invested in their child success as well. But I know for moms, I think it's more of a, what lens am I going to see this experience through, right?
When you're when the lens that you're looking at is this is an opportunity for my child to learn something about how life works And not through the lens of I need him to do good Sometimes because you want him to do well Sometimes quite honestly because you're getting too much of your identity out of your child's success, which is a whole nother You know episode we could talk about but when your perspective is through that lens, then you're gonna fight
hard to not rescue your child, to not make sure that you can do whatever you can for them not to have a painful experience. But when your perspective is, hey, this is a way for my child to connect success with persistence and hard work. I think it makes it, it's not easy, it's never easy, but it makes it easier for them.
It makes it easier for you to connect when you work on some of these things at home with us. When nobody's around, then when you're on the ball field, the football field, the baseball field, that's going to translate into more success. And when you don't, don't expect to do something the way you've always done it and get a different result. And so...
You're really teaching a child about resilience because it's going to happen in the classroom. It's going to happen relationally. I mean, we could go on with a list of, be your, you're preparing your children to leave your home. I mean, how many times have you heard me say that parenting is a series of painful releasings? But that's really what this job is all about is at some point you're
Toby (09:35.254)
basketball-playing daughter meets some hairy-legged boy and walks down the aisle and moves to Mississippi and has to learn how to navigate her life. And so my job for 18 years was to prepare you for that moment. And a lot of times, I think, we're so short-term in our thinking.
think I am anyway. I think about that moment and in that moment I mean Micah is such a feeler, little boy is such a feeler and not an expresser and so it's easy for you to project your feelings onto him in that moment because you are an expresser and the one thing I know about kids is they're more resilient than we give them credit for.
until we begin to rescue them and then we build a pattern of There's really no consequences to my actions. They're they're really it shouldn't life should be easy There are shortcuts which of course none of us want right? So it's really about a mindset that you continually take yourself back to
of what is the end goal here, what is this opportunity really about, not with them, but with you. And they take their cues then from those moments.
Bailey Garner (10:58.551)
Yeah, it's so...
Yeah, it's so interesting how we learn so much from our kids and what they're going through and It's really hard to self Self-reflect, I feel like in the moments, you know um but like the other day I know he talked a little bit about this the other day, but Gideon Had his first day with his cast and his cast on his right hand where and that's what he writes with and so He was pumped To like take it to school and have his friends sign it, you know
like in the worst mood. He's ugly to me. Everything is, you know, everything's a battle, which I'm not, he is an, he's an emotional kid, but you know, he's eight. So he's not in the toddler years anymore. So it's a little bit like, it just feels so much different when he's going through those emotions because I know he, he knows, you know what I mean? A little bit better at least than like Esther who's three, but I...
realize later.
in the moment that like he had been bottling up all his frustrations from school and then he came home and took it out on me. And I was struggling so hard in that moment because I thought about all the things you say to me about like how resistance builds resilience and how this is going to teach him you know how to overcome hard things. So letting him skip his homework because he can't write isn't going to help him. He needs to just do it you know.
Bailey Garner (12:31.605)
trying to like encourage him and say those things and all he was doing was yelling back at my face and it wasn't working. And I was just like, what? I just felt so defeated and at the end of my rope because I'm like, here I am, I'm really trying to have patience and, you know, walk away and not get elevated by, from his elevatedness and I.
I feel like I succeeded for half the time and then he just pushed me to the edge. But I, you know, you and I talked after that and you told me these things you're sharing but also some good things about reminding me that it's the consistency, you know, and what we're telling our kids and they're not always gonna respond the way they want to. But how do you, how would you encourage parents
hard because like you know you we talk about finding progress instead of perfection and sometimes it feels like progress is literally like millimeters of like it's like not very big progress you know what I'm saying in those areas and so it can feel defeating as a mom like I'm not I'm trying these things I'm trying to like teach them that this is gonna help them long term and they can't see it and so it's just it can get discouraging you know
Toby (13:53.994)
Yeah, I would say, hey, you didn't see it either when you were his age. You weren't saying, oh, dad, that is an unbelievable life lesson. And I just, can I get a piece of paper and write that down? I mean, this wasn't you either. And the only way I know, man, to do those kind of things and to get through those things is, number one, man, give yourself a little grace that you're not always going to get it right.
Bailey Garner (13:58.817)
Yeah.
Toby (14:22.71)
But I'm such a visual person. I know this is kind of simple, but I'm a simple guy. You know, there's three things or two things that I want to make sure and consistently send that kind of message or theme to my kids. And I'm going to write them down and put them somewhere where I can see them every morning or every day. And I'm going to ask God every morning, hey, help me.
Help me today to help my child know how loved he is. Help me today to help my child prepare for adversity in life, whatever those things are. And I just think you build muscle memory there. I think, look, you young moms, so many of you, I mean, we hear after in the background today that drives you crazy, and I think it's awesome. You've got a child home from school.
Gideon breaks his thumb, or there's always something. And it's not that you don't have good intentions when we stop and have these conversations. But you have to build muscle memory in the middle of the fray. In the middle of the battle, you have to have some muscle memory that you build. That's how they train soldiers.
is you train over and over and over and over and over again. So when you get in the middle of it and the emotions come, there's a bit of an internal psychological as well as physical for them. But for a psychological, there's a muscle memory. I'm going back to this. I think the other thing that I'm almost starting to feel like a broken record saying this, but I mean, the target has to become
Not how did he respond at the end of the day when you're saying, was it a good day? Not how did he respond, but did I consistently deliver the messages that I ask God to help me deliver? And if the answer is yes.
Toby (16:24.406)
then you just have to let, understand that it's God that works on your child. It's God who builds us in your child. You're just, you're cooperating in the process. And your part is to deliver the message and God's part is to embed it in their heart. And it's funny Bailey, cause this is preparing you.
for the season when Gideon gets in his car and goes off to Oklahoma State University if his mom and dad get their way. And you realize that he is on his own and that you really don't have control in that moment. And you've got to just say, hey, God, this has always been your kid. And as much as I love him, can you please take care of him and do what you promised to do in our lives? So...
This isn't only a season of your preparation, of his preparation, it's also a season of yours.
Bailey Garner (17:25.151)
Yeah, it's funny because as you're talking, I'm thinking, you know, you're talking about, I want Gideon to just like me tell him and him know it. And I forget that I need a lot of times that he needs repetition. And so the same thing for me, because like, I want to just learn how to, you know, do something in parenting. And I want to know one time, like I want to get it right the first time and not keep having to remind myself because sometimes when I have to keep reminding
failure you know like oh i've heard that already why can't i do it and so it's interesting that perspective like we need consent reminders and we need um practice so do they um so you know i guess that's a hard chance to swallow when you're wanting them to just do it i already told you this you know or whatever we talked about this yesterday
Toby (18:15.424)
Well...
Toby (18:19.186)
Mm-mm.
Yeah, the word is, and I'm saying this everywhere I go. You know, I was in Missouri a couple of weeks ago. I'll be in California this weekend. I'll be in North Carolina, Chicago. I will say this everywhere I go, that there has to be more intentionality in this culture that we live in as parents than there's ever been before. I think intentionality has always been important.
Bailey Garner (18:27.562)
Mm-hmm.
Toby (18:52.598)
But I think it's more important now than in any time, at least in my lifetime, of we have to be incredibly intentional because the messages that our kids are receiving outside of our homes are so markedly different in so many ways. And I'm not even talking about the culture war stuff. I'm not talking about those things. I'm talking about cancel culture. I'm talking about how we have taken
Don't be a baby to, oh you poor baby, across the board. And we're building a victim mentality in our kids. And it's time for moms and dads.
to sit down and get a game plan together, and then commit to something together that we're gonna intentionally, here's the character qualities we wanna build in our kids. For all you single moms out there, you know you're my hero, you know you had the hardest job on the planet, but you have everything you need to be everything that your child needs.
and you're not doing this alone even though it feels like it, your part is to be intentional and consistent. God will take care of the rest.
Bailey Garner (20:13.275)
That's a good word. I was thinking about, as you're saying, intentionality. I feel like I've experienced when I'm focused on something, God always is gonna give me a opportunity to practice it. And I don't know if you have experienced that too, but the other day I was, the scripture came up about me.
to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. And so I was like praying about that morning because I can some often times be... Shh.
quick to become angry and not slow. And I feel like that was the day that Gideon came home and was like having his meltdown. You know, and I'm like, okay, God, thanks for the opportunity to practice this. And so I think I love your idea of writing them down, you know, what we want to focus on and talking about it with your spouse or maybe, you know, a friend of yours that's also in the same parenting season because I do think the more
it is on our mind, the more we're gonna practice it, you know, and notice it, you know, give us the eyes to see it, because so many times, as parents, we're just so busy and we forget, you know? And so to ask God to put it on our hearts like that, you know, intentionally, can be scary, because you're gonna get practice, but it's also good, you know?
Toby (21:45.458)
Yeah, you weren't born with this parenting gene with all the skills, right? You learn them as you go. And you had that first baby, lots of you moms that are listening. And there was a bit of, man, am I ready for this? And it's because you had never done it before. But you have that nurturing heart. And
Bailey Garner (21:52.019)
Mm-hmm.
Toby (22:13.026)
You start feeding your child and holding your child, and you get more comfortable with it. But that happens at every season. And you've heard me say before, every season builds on the season before. But now your child goes to school, and you think, well, I should know. No, your child's never been in school before. He's never, or she's never played sports or done band or whatever group participation before.
And then it's going to be, you know, middle school and high school. And you have to remind yourself, Hey, I've never been here before. I don't know if you remember this, but when Grandin and I walked into that, I'm sure it was a Chick-fil-A. I can't remember that he was so nervous to ask me if he could marry you. Uh, I said,
You can under one condition. And he said, what's that? And I said, I don't know how to be a father-in-law. I just know how to be a dad. So if you will help me and let me know if I'm way too involved and I need to back off, I need you to help me, because I don't know. I just know how to parent my child. And if you need me to step in and I'm backing off too much, help me. I want to learn. Which, by the way, was a great.
bonding experience for us, it wasn't. It wasn't like trying to get him on my side. I was just admitting the fact that I had never been a father-in-law before. And I think some of you need to look in the mirror and say, hey, I've never had an eight-year-old before. And tell yourself, just admit the truth. And when you admit it to yourself,
What you're really saying is, hey God, I'm going to need you to help me. I'm going to need you to teach me. And you're going to experience more of His power, His presence, His grace, because you are aware of your deficiencies, not in a way that brings shame or condemnation, but in a reality that says, hey, I'm going to need somebody to help me along the way here.
Bailey Garner (24:25.011)
That's a good word, Dad. I think that will encourage lots of parents in all different seasons.
Toby (24:32.618)
Man, I hope so. I tell you stuff I just tell myself all the time. It's like, I'm learning. I'm growing. I take two steps back. I have to give myself pep talks about lots of things. I could tell you 10 things in the last week that I was telling my best friends that we had finally got to have dinner the other night. I go, man, this is.
Bailey Garner (24:38.884)
Yeah.
Toby (25:02.454)
This working on yourself is not for the faint of heart, you know? But we're all in this thing together. And sometimes I have to look in the mirror and go, Hey, Tobe, you have everything you need to be everything God's calling you to be. And that's not a weakness. I just think it's honesty that opens the door for more power.
Bailey Garner (25:30.627)
Yeah, that's good. That's good. Well, sorry for... All right, sister. If you're not watching this, she's been making faces this whole time. Sorry for distracting you, Dad. And whoever's watching.
Toby (25:33.662)
I think Esther likes it too.
Toby (25:44.222)
Yeah, it's not distracting me. I think it's awesome. I'm just watching your eyes dart left and right. And quite honestly, I'm going, well, y'all get to Instagram here in a couple of weeks because when they start running the clips of this stuff, we got live entertainment today. Although, let's admit, Bailey, when you said, hey, come say hi to Papa right before we started, I thought, oh, she's got permission now to come over this way.
Bailey Garner (25:59.224)
Oh gosh, stop.
Bailey Garner (26:08.235)
No, I was actually trying to get it out of the way like hey if you get to talk to him Maybe you won't come over here, but clearly that plan didn't work. So next time
Toby (26:17.002)
Well, this isn't normal, everybody, because she has not asked where honey is and can she see honey yet? In other words, hey, I've seen the Ottoman of this family, Papa. Yeah, good to have around, but who really cares? Can I get to the main event?
Bailey Garner (26:19.891)
Thanks for watching!
I know. It's true.
Bailey Garner (26:29.711)
Whatever.
She loves you. Well I hope you have a safe trip this weekend. Thanks for encouraging all of us every other week. We really appreciate it.
Toby (26:42.654)
Well, love you and pulling for so many of you. I'm committed to reminding you every girl I can that you have everything you need to be everything God is calling you to be. And he trusts you. If he didn't, he wouldn't give you what he gave you. So he trusts you. So just trust him. We're gonna make it through.
Bailey Garner (26:44.414)
of you.
Bailey Garner (27:00.6)
Yeah.
Bailey Garner (27:04.191)
That's a good reminder. Thanks, Dad. We need to hear it all the time, so keep it up. Love you. Bye.
Toby (27:08.974)
Love you! Bye-bye.